I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
