i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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