My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
