Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
