Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
