I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
