Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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