Jerry, you need to find god
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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