The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
