If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
