How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
