Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
