My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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