I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
