im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
