meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
