How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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