i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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