my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
