Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Acid is not a monday night drug
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
