John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
