I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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