Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
