o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
