Sponge bath it is.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
