Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
