I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
