so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
