I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
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omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
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Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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