I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
