just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
