...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think my vagina is haunted
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
