i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
