Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
As shirtless as possible
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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