awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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