I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
