Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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