Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He better not be in your backpack
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
