we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
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Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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