She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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