I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
