Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
