I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
