I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
