Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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