My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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