running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
