I hope mine doesn't look like that
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
