the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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