using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
