i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
it's great music for shaving your balls
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
