If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
They are going to name an STD after you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
