first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
