I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
