Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
