tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
