I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
