I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
