You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
