The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
is it fun? or sober?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
