Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
