I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
