so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
