I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Randomize
