just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
