i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
