Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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