yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
