Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
